I was talking to one of my awesome clients the other day. She’s unhappy in her marriage. She’s considering leaving.
She’s in a lot of pain right now. She is suffering. She says things to me like, “If I do leave, I don’t want to hurt him, Sarah-Jane.
I feel like the worst human being in the world.”
I tell her that I don’t think she is the worse person in the world, far from it, but that I also understand why she feels that way. And I agree with her, that it’s very possible that there will be hurt. A lot of it—her actions and decisions will create pain. For him. And also for her. Maybe even other people. But that the huge responsibility weighing on her shoulders for the pain she may cause will be his pain—something that only he can take responsibiity for—because it belongs to him and her pain will belong to her.
She considers staying. To ease the pain. To not be the guy who left her husband, her marriage—there’s a lot of shame there. We go back and forth a lot in our sessions. I give her the time and space she needs to work through it all.
And yet I also remind her that there comes a time when we may have to pick our pain and know this too will pass.
Because reminding strong, sensitive women need to be reminded to fall back in LOVE with themselves. They need to remember what lights them up and what gives them deep fulfilment and inner peace. That is why I do what I do and
The pain of staying in a love-less marriage and pretending everything is a-ok….when it’s not. Or the pain of leaving—which will bring with it massive uncertainty and loss.
Right now, she cannot pick her pain, she has to give herself some space to feel it, not avoid it. Both seem too heavy, too visceral, too unthinkable, too destructive.
And that’s ok. It is not my role to push her or orchestrate decisions on her behalf. It’s my role to hold a safe space to give herself permission to calm down her nervous system first not fighting, no fleeing, no freezing—just be with the grief of her deep, deep pain—and ask the questions that will help her find her own answers.
It’s not my job to please my clients, it’s my job to serve them at the highest levels so that they can get the distinctions and the transformation they want in their own time.
What I have found in my own moments of agony and in working with hundreds of clients over the past 15 plus years is that the pain, the inner conflict is almost always in the decision they want someone else to make for them, rather than examine what they really want that is churning over inside. The fear is in the inconvenient truth that they are the ONLY one who can call it and respond to it.
Pain is part of life – it’s visceral feedback from your body, your soul that doesn’t care about what is convenient. You soul cares about alignment and when you make those corrections to your True Nature, it will often feel inconvenient to your Ego!
Ego tells you it doesn’t want pain.
I wish it wasn’t.
But it is.
I have experinced extreme pain and trauma in my life. Not just once. But many times over.
And each time, I think, “This will be the last time. I’ve had my fair share now, right?”
But of course, life doesn’t work like that.
There will always be emotional pain: in every decision, in every choice, in every experience.
And it’s our pain to pick. Whether it’s the life-changing, soul-shifting, big, deep pain that comes with death and divorce and redundancies and disasters. Or the quick, sharp, OW! pain that comes with daily life.
I choose the pain of exercising daily over the pain of not working out and feeling tired and depressed for the rest of the day.
I choose the pain of learning new tech—even though honestly? I don’t really enjoy it—over the pain of not being able to keep up with the ever changing online and use it to my advantage.
I once chose the pain of 70-hour weeks while I worked full-time in the rag trade, designed and sewed wedding dresses from the ground up, over the pain of staying “employed”, told how and when to show up and following rules.
I chose the pain of pushing the edges of my comfort zone and equally gruelling body mind hacks, over the pain of sitting on my sofa and giving in to the belief that I cannot do hard things.
I choose the pain of being coached by two brilliant guides who walk their talk—who regularly challenge and encourage me to up my game (and call me out on my shit)—over the pain of numbing out and living my life at 50%.
I choose the pain of getting out of my own way and really living my life—with all the hard stuff and the discomfort and the shit mixed in, with all the joy and fulfilment and fun—over switching off and sleep-walking on a treadmill, that slowly and half-heartedly transports me through my days on this wild and wonderful planet.
How about you?
Which pain are you picking?
And what if you can use that pain and turn it into passion and purpose?
Once you heal at the level of the nervous system by identifying why you feel the way you feel and integrate it in a healthy way, then everything you choose and apply in your life especially your business will work with less force and more effortless flow.
You don’t have to prolong the pain.
Isn’t it time to to your agony into ecstasy and live deeply happy?
Let me support you.
P.S: I’ve got three client spaces available for one-to-one coaching to turn trauma in to truth telling triumph beginning May. If you don’t know why you’re spinning your wheels at work, rolling your eyes at the whole wide world, or wanting to bang your head against the nearest wall—I can help you. (There’s a lot of big-hearted, no-nonsense guidance included. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.) Book yourself in for a free introductory call here via Skype. This session will give you a taste of what coaching is like with me and help us make sure we’re a good fit. Here, we can also discuss which coaching package and payment plan is best for you.
P.P.S If you’re not actually interested in potentially working with me, and you just fancy a free coaching session, please, please, please don’t book a call with me, it’s bad juju and makes me cranky, very cranky 🙁