I feel off a horse again and I love that….not
How can falling into grace be a beautiful, intense experience?
I have been sitting with pain – I cracked 2 ribs from falling off a horse last Sunday, my birthday ( I know it sounds weird but it truly was a gift) and I am having to slow down this week. If you have ever broken a rib you know just how many muscles are attached to them and pretty much every movement hurts, so I have spent a lot of time going deep down, getting curious about what was ready to come up in learning from this and getting really curious about where I find myself being called, kicking, screaming and freaking out a lot as I begin a new cycle around the sun.
It has bee a good opportunity for me to remember my work with so many people ( and animals) over the last 16 years, to heal from their wounded child and animals, people like me who have experienced abuse and trauma and take a BIG dose of my own medicine. This latest bodily injury continues to give me great insights along with my clients journeys, on how to transform my own patterns and expand into the next level of healing, what life is calling me in to……
and I’ve distilled what I have gleaned so far, down into 3 simplistic actions, that you too can choose to practice consistently – in little pieces please so not to flood your already overwhelmed nervous system. This way, slow and steady, we can grow and benefit together from our own personal and collective challenges, while raising the consciousness of the planet. We do this by going deep sown into truth and calling the old bs, by killing the part of us that is a lie,
through loving that part that is afraid
and unlearning all the things we have stopped creating in our True Nature
because we are looking for security out there instead of down here.
All this wisdom is available in you,
when you stop looking at your past and learn as you do the work,
and taking bold, BRAVE tiny step into your gifts.
The natural capacities that access a part of you that intuitively knows and
wants to make the world better.
It’s a “have to”, not an addiction and you know what it is when you just cannot help yourself,
but say YES because it is aligned with your soul’s purpose
- when you just start and play its effortless flow.
“ With a little practice and kindness, your coping patterns, blindspots, the shadows, can transform into invitations to slow down and connect more deeply to LOVE yourself. “
So how do we transforming our blindspots, patterns and self sabotage into truth telling, evolution and triumph?
Start with living fear/less – loving the fear LESS.
I’ve been witnessing an interesting pattern play out in myself lately. It’s familiar and maybe you too relate to your own version of this.
Anytime I get close to feeling anything at all like feeling sad or thinking that someone doesn’t care about my needs,
I immediately kick into action and channel all of my energy into creation, the busy-ness of doing.
On the surface, it looks like spectacular productivity, but deep down it’s me frantically trying to avoid feeling my own feelings,
which in turn prevents me from listening deeply to my body, “my horse” for what I actually want or need.
It seems that in response to the trauma I experienced at a young age,
Back then, it wasn’t productive or safe for me to lean into the full experience of my emotions.
I was afraid that if I leaned into them, I would simply disappear, give up hope and eventually fall apart completely.
I did that many times in many ways.
It showed up in mystery illnesses and deep depression
Like big welts and bumps especially in the company of certain “unkind” people that were all smiley on the outside
My body aways gave me clues like huge bumps that started behind my ears and spread painfully on my head
then came the welts if I did not listen.
It showed up as migraines and panic attacks.
it showed up as snapping my achilles tendon not once but 3 times twice on the left and a few years later under similar stressful situations on the right.
It showed up as addiction and drinking too much, when I could not take my ex husband’s narcissistic abuse, the cheating, the violence, the mind fucks, the cocaine habit, the reckless gambling and whoring that finally led to bankruptcy of my business and personal liquidation due to his negligence and a nervous breakdown that landed me broken, ashamed and suicidal in a mental hospital.
So back then, I learned to suppress my emotions, my anxiety to impending loss on every possible level my mind could conjure up from my old stories by either focusing my energy into perfectionism, or workaholism or distraction-isms – staying busy with things like errands, cleaning, and exercising.
This became such a natural state, that this recent fall from grace gave ma another opportunity to recognize that even with everything I know and practice, it’s a very strong and pervasive coping pattern that I need to be very mindful of!
I see similar patterns play out in so many of my clients too.
This witnessing reminded me again of how deep these old wounds run, how layers heal and other lie dormant for years in animals and people waiting for us to become more resilient and illuminate, heal and integrate another level of healing on our nervous systems. I believe the only way through is to feel in order to heal by doing the inner and outer work that is root cause resolution and life style medicine. It has to happen on all 5 levels of healing physical/body. mental/emotional mindset, business, relationships and finance/money – that is the mastery, the rite of passage of being human kindness.
The highly skilled wounded child arises when an adult learns an assortment of excellent skills, to move out of the pain caused today by their unreconciled childhood without healing the wounds of that childhood along the path of that journey.
The highly skilled child tends to over react regularly and then takes responsibility for using their skillset as a coping mechanisms to clear the painful reaction without exploring why they over or under react in the first place.
They learn to clearly communicate to others how the other needs to behave differently, without seeing their own righteous personality. You can take the ACE test and learn more about how your gene code is wired in the 5 element personality quiz right now.
I will also be speaking with Patty Malek on soul talk next week, about how aces affect your health and choices in later adulthood,
how to listen to your body,
reset your nervous system,
so that you can learn and integrate the highly skilled wounded child, this behavior in yourself and more importantly how to heal the wounds of the past,
cultivate resiliency and bring your mature brave heart into action in the world.
The predator/prey aspect of our own psyche is mirrored in plain truth through horses which is why they are such great, natural horses. Our internal mindset is always mirrored by horses on the outside. Needless to say when we as humans, riding horses go into fear, horses being so sensitive pick up on it and naturally run from our energy and mental voice saying “oh my, we are going to be killed, we are going to die run, run for your life!”
When you stop living as a thought and rather acknowledge that you are the one that thinks the thought, then you can begin to feel everything just as it is and you no longer have to stop avoiding feeling you or anything else in your outside world, including other peoples thoughts, feelings and emotions.
if sometimes you want to go egoically into a space where you are told you are doing a good job, or wants the acknowledgment, the next time when something doesn’t seem to be working out the way you want it to, trust that there is something greater that wants to happen to you, that is bigger than what you are currently creating. That something wants to emerge and your body is giving you energetic feedback to look into it.
One part of your brain is always going to say, I cannot do it and this thing you are considering means death to you. That is not you, that is only the part of you, the child part, that is scared to emerge into something more.
Something you have not been before and it will always look for evidence of your past experience to stop you from growing forward.
The other side of your brain knows like it knows.
When you use the tools, practice mindfulness, meditation and body based movement along with healthy life style everything is possible.
If you can embrace and love that part that knows it’s true divine nature is to thrive, then it is birth
I invite you to sit with the pain, the fear and mother yourself.
I have learnt to love the part of me that is scared, that wants to know everything is going to be alright when there is no possible way of knowing, or controlling anything other than my own thoughts and the choices I make from love not fear.
This week I cried the ugly cry
and then I raged on and off like a 3 year old
and then I laughed like a love sick teenager.
There was no bypassing the feelings ready to be felt.
I got to witness another layer of truth emerge
beyond the senses
to senseless feeling….
I now I get to continue to tune in and go deep down rather than turn away
I know the value of support and I have a fierce team to stand in the fire with me
when I want to run away and hide.
Just know for now, you cannot have a bow without the arrow
and so to access your true nature
you get to aim and course correct and fine tune and tweak again and again and again.
Remember that I, like you are the one who has the choice to choose again.
To be the one who makes and shapes the body mind to be resilient and strong.
to be the architect
the author of your own life.
So here I am,
In my next leap forward into the unknown
a space of listening to my soul instead of staying in my head in resistance
to say YES to that next emerging and the familiar argument with myself and my not self parts
so that I do not make another emergency
because I know it is not pain we are afraid of…..
And there is more to come from this
latest fall of grace
to know and learn what I did not know
and know what I do know
that there are no mistakes only mis-takes, I get to take again from light and courage.
So in contrast of ” you need to this and that”, rather than just listening to my body I invite you to stop living from an either or reality and just choose. Notice how effortless it can be to just move (pendulate) from one to another and back into your heart.
Go deep down and listen to both sides of your brain.
I fondly call it my brilliant madness!
Then use these 3 pragmatic steps:
Open your heart – its the biggest way to create protection for yourself.
Love every fear based thing and then you can use the trust process, heart to heart connection where your mind is empty of thoughts.you go deep down where you know you are home so the things that are chaos don’t even appear to you because you let go of everything that feels heavy and move towards what is light.
When you step into your body, into loving the fear we can let go of what the end sees as a measure of what it is going to lose and you can get to a space of what if….
There are always two bodies, two voices,
and the UN You
one that is scared of leaving,
the other one that says let go
its uncommon sense because you forgot you are multi sensory 6th sense and the 7th sense trusting.
Simply this is how you get to rewire your nervous system and create a state of infinite possibilities you cannot see when your adrenal is up, learning goes down.
Then you get to create a safe space for presence and self-acceptance.
My first step with a particular scared great dane called Marmaduke, I rescued years ago and the same thing I each in the foundation of my animal communication class and in fact with all my work in healing trauma from the level of the nervous system is to create a safe space where the triggers, emotions, and reactions could surface but not be reinforced.
I worked once with a particularly head shy horse who if you raised a hand to fast would bolt or rear up at the fear of memories of pain inflicted by whippings on her nose.
That trigger was anything related to human beings, especially men preparing her for a ride. I put him in a safe circular round pen where he could run, bolt, kick and snort as much as he needed to, while making sure to keep us both out of harm’s way.
He had the pace to learn a new sense of trusting his nervous system to near modulate and humans in a different light that felt different to his experience. Then through the Trust technique, he wanted to be closer to me, licking, yawning, chewing.
Over time of holding a clear mind of nothing, just space he would join me, lying down and then totally relaxing, eyes sometimes open but in a deep place of relaxation where healing could take place.
My trigger, seeing my daughter gallop off out of control into the distant brought up in reflection many old fears of being left behind, being out of control to keep the people I love safe and falling from grace when in my past experience I let go of the reins, so to speak of a business I had grown over 15 years, to someone who in spite of so many red flags from the get go I convinced myself I could trust who ultimately destroyed my life .
I decided to sit in calm present moment, go into the trust technique and quietly be there with my child parts to inquire into my emotions. I could watch my desire to keep in constant action rather than listen to my intuition, my animal body and my heart – to be mindless, calm and present.
For you, the trigger might be a situation where you feel judged or unseen.
Make a safe space to sit with yourself and simply notice what arises.
Once you are triggered what do you do? Observe with curiosity rather than judgement.
Whenever you’re triggered, become aware of the emotions, reactions, patterns and coping strategies that arise.
See if you can notice and observe them without judging or trying to change them. Maybe you feel numb, maybe you try to blame someone else or go into care taking mode. See if you can create a space of acceptance for wherever you are.
Try to hold your own process with curiosity instead of criticism.
Book a private session so I can guide you through the “trust technique”, orientation exercises and your personal prescription or buy the “Being Human through Animals – animal communications and body work healing” home study.
Be present until your body, mind, and heart can fully embrace the sensations, the feelings, and the underlying fear.
With my daughter and the collective fear, all three horses tapped into my fear, not just of the moment unfolding of worst case scenarios of:
what if Thalia gets seriously hurt,
what if one of the horses gets injured
what if I break my neck
or my friend, who was about to leave for an overseas trip….
But the old fear of loss, impending death arising again and then, just the space that letting go of the reins and allowing my “horse body”, my animal instinctual intelligence to discover the mental me beyond space and time and dimension.
I went from feeling embodied, the high of galloping free as one, on the back of a strong, solid, grounded mare who owns her power, to disconnecting and tripping into my head (rider) who told me you are losing control of your life, your daughter, your seat and then my body making me right in a blind panic.
I let go of the reigns and surrendered to falling off, falling from grace, surrendering to the fact that I was about to “hit the ground”. It was only in the moment of coming back into my body, I realized I had landed on my back – it knocked the wind out of me, all I could hear was my own heart beat as I lay there in the dirt trying to catch my breath.
I don’t know how long it took before my nervous system calmed down, felt into my body’s energy and presence and told my brain that it was not being chased by anything scary including death.
I got up, walked to the others, got back on and returned to the barn, laughed as a way to acknowledge the fall from grace and a lovely birthday cake and champagne.
And as the adrenalin wore off a few hour later, I felt the crack of broken ribs each time I breathed in or coughed or moved to fast
I eventually took myself to ER where X-rays confirmed 2 fractured ribs on my back left side. I succumbed to see valium an anti inflammatories for the first few days so I could try get some sleep without being woken up every time I turned or coughed or tried to get up.
I went through feeling angry at myself for “doing this…again.”
Impatience and intolerance of not being able to move fast
the inconvenience it was causing me to do everything slowly,
and annoyed at the abrupt halt of my training schedule at gym.
Only a few days into this week of physically slowing down, could I apologize to my body and allow my mind to slow down and stop the thoughts by using the peace process and trust techniques I teach others on myself.
I asked for my trusted medicine women friends to help me in holding space,
in going deep down into myself,
sitting with the pain so that with their love and guidance, I could begin to get more curious and out of this curiosity, I can continue to feel a deeper, new connection arise and emerge through me.
I am being very aware of my old patterns to rush through this and just feel it as senseless, without engaging my mind.
Begin to build a new experience and a new story, allowing the old one to fall away with time.
When I thought of the many times i have sat in the trust process with clients and my recent fall from Grace off this beautiful horse called Sarita and the familiarity in the pain I have so many times been in denial of going deep down, I noticed my desire to create something new at work, my desire to check out by pushing myself to engage my mind rather than rest my body and listen to it, my desire to read a new psycho spiritual book and move into a bigger perspective rather than simply sit in my feeling of sadness.
I felt like a scared horse inside and watched myself bolt around my inner round pen. Instead of channeling this feeling into action like I usually would, I became aware of my relationship to myself. I asked if I could care enough about my own emotional experience to slow down and acknowledge that I felt sad? The sadness mushroomed. I felt hot, teary and confused. I gave myself full permission to feel all of these things. When I became present to the many nuances of the sadness with each passing week, it eventually shifted into a space of very deep seated, old anger that i had become a master of suppressing – an unconscious commitment to never be like the ugly abusive drunk of my father, i chose in a narcissistic ex husband and one that frightens me in my current relationship with a master controller with narc tendencies.
If my ribs did not hurt so much I would have used some Feldenkrais or playful romping around on the floor with my daughter because it’s fun and a powerful way to release tension from the body.
As I have done many times with frightened animals and sensitive thoroughbred horses who remember the track, or whippings or physical cruelty in other forms,
I have given myself a safe present moment place to notice and accept what I am feeling (I guide you through simple oreinting exercises in my Out of the Blues – from anxiety and depression to calm, clear full expression” home study program) and allow the emotions to be expressed in a way that did not harm me or anyone else ( listen to the flow your impulses audio track here).
One of my mentors rather synchronistically had asked days before this fall to list down by name everyone living or in spirit that made up my support team.
Immediately my UN me, the other mind went to “how pathetic you are, you have so little support, no friends or family to support you!” and then, as I paused my body flooded with the realization and physical proof of just how supported I really am by so many in human form, some close by, others oceans away, others in spirit that truly have my back and are always there for me in powerful support.
My friend Nicole physically saved my life when i tried to kill myself 16 years ago,
- my friend Lisa, my Mother, my sisters, the doctors at Townhill nursed and loved me back from breakdown to wholeness and continue to be there for me in my times of need, they love me unconditionally, as do so many others.
After my fall from grace last Sunday, I reached out for help in my day to day life from my husband, my daughter, my housekeeper and they have been patient and loving in my asks.
I also asked for spiritual guidance and support from my three dear friends and powerful medicine women /healers who held space for me to get the clarity and wisdom to integrate and learn this lesson.
Within their safe space of support, I could speak from my heart about things I had conveniently forgotten – thank you Tracey, Jess, Cal Ling for your strong medicine.
In my moment of breaking open, there was nothing left but peace, connection and gratitude for myself to evolve out loud and continue to let this lesson unfold.
It felt like my inner horse was now walking beside me with curiosity and interest, ready to engage in the next moment.
This powerful experience left me even more grateful for Caz the one eyed horse that went bolting off with Thalia wailing on his back, for Sarita the dark horse that is so steady in her light and sure of foot, who grounded me quite literally back into my body and my senses,
for mirroring back my own patterns of disharmony and my own animal body, my horse who continues guiding me through the energy and “how to” transform so much grief and anger. I know there are so many layers of healing that the mastery never stops, no matter how much we resist or deny it. It will resurface in a different form or experience, unless we do the shadow work and integrate the lessons. And the value of having support is vital for all of us – so ask for help, invest in people who can help you and lean into the people in your tribe who are there to remind you who you have always been, when you cannot.
Now, when I notice myself springing into mindlessness, unconscious action or distraction, I take a moment to check in with my own dear animal body, my dark horse and ask what she is afraid to feel.
By being present with myself,
by devotionally using my present moment to still the mind through the trust process, I have been able to track the emotions, which ultimately leads me back to a state of care and connection, and that’s all I was needing to begin with.
I’d love to encourage you to notice when your own frightened inner horse comes forward.
Can you play with creating a safe space to be exactly where you are?
What patterns do you use to navigate your world?
Can you meet this awareness with compassion and self acceptance?
With a little practice and kindness your coping patterns can transform into invitations to slow down and connect more deeply to yourself.
With Great Love and Gratitude,
PS: We have to remember that it hurts to be human, and pain is always here for a reason. Pain is usually our body’s or our heart’s way of saying, “Pay attention. Something is out of whack and needs to be healed.” When we use avoidance in holy drag to avoid pain, we limit the growth our souls crave.
If you’re in the midst of an acute trauma, go ahead and use the spiritual bypass!
But as I learnt after 3 snapped achilles tendons, brain tumors and broken ribs for a second time,
We can delay it until we’re emotionally and physically equipped to handle it, until we have the emotional resilience to be able to be with that much pain without killing ourselves, harming someone else, or going crazy. Spiritual bypassing sure beats other numbing and bypassing techniques, such as addictions that harm the body. But ultimately, we have to find within us the strength to go down the rabbit hole of our pain—and we can’t do that alone. We need each other. We need our tribe. We need a personal connection to Divine Source. We need therapists and spiritual counselors and soul friends who can hold our hands as we venture into the scary, painful unknown. Only then can we truly, deeply, fully heal.
P.P.S: You can access the 28 day ACTIVE APPRECIATION challenge over on my Youtube channel and take one day’s training at a time and then leave me a comment on how your life has changed and your nervous system calmed and cleared at the end of it.