It’s mental health day today around the world – for me its “mind – body – spirit” health day every day.
If you have ever experienced anxiety or depression or a state of suspended ON in your nervous system please read this to the end and receive you have the power and the support to reclaim your health and live a fulfilled life being You.
and a question…..
What if the way you answer a single question in life gives you a direct window into your deepest beliefs and true desires.?
And in so doing it also offers you a potent hotline into your potential blocks when it comes to your family and relationships, your health and healing, and the way you connect and respond to and with life, each minute of every day.
The question I have asked myself many times and I hear from my clients is only three words—
“Who am I?”
It’s your answer to this question that forms the perceptual eyes—the filters—through which you see other people, the world, and most importantly, yourself. Your self-esteem, your self-worth, your sense of confidence, wellbeing, and safety each stem directly from the way you think of yourself, and your origin, in the world.
The current story of our origin—the theory of human evolution, competition, struggle and fear—is reflected in our personal life and world events today, including growing domestic abuse, the cyber bullying of our children, trauma inflicted on animals, new forms of disease, and the global rise of hate crimes. It is the story of nature deficit disorder and separation – a disconnect from the heart and life force that is connection through trust and love.
It’s precisely because the way we think of ourselves plays such a vital role in our lives that we owe it to ourselves to ask:
What would love do?”
and then to return to trust –
trusting you are loved and supported.
A vulnerable very personal share, I nearly hit delete on –
who is going to read what I write anyway?? (said Ego, the inner saboteur voice)
I did not realize just how much I was guarding my heart from being broken into a million tiny little pieces until our new family member Rover – a rescue Great Dane pup who joined our family on Friday.
After our last dog Pongo left his physical body 8 months ago, I said
“that is it -NO more animals
(we have 5 rescue cats) – it hurts too much to love another living being and then have them pass.”
Having grown up with animal companions and sharing my life with animals, wild and domestic, our home has felt the missing of dog (aka God in a fur body), the husky’s morning howls of joy, the runs, the unconditional love and laughter they brought in with their goofy play. And as always the animals that have come into my life have always been my greatest teachers, healers,companions and heart openers.
Enter Rover – an 8 month old rescue pup who is terrified of everything, his puppy body covered in scars and who had a rough start in life. My heart broke wide open the minute I met him and then the love poured in.
His given name was Rover – which means to flow, wander like a river and very much part of his Data dosha. (More on that later…. and why some rescue animals want to choose another name)
On Saturday night, 2am to be exact he took a turn for the worse –
explosive diahorrea, vomiting up bile all over the bed, shivering from shock and dehydration.
Sleep deprivation isn’t good for the pragmatic mind to function and to say I was not besides myself with worry is an understatement.
As I cleaned up poo and held his shivering body, running body processes including other fast aid protocol like the Cortices technique and MTVSS, I had vivid flash backs of my other beloved animal companions that are now in spirit whispering to me to stay, to trust more, to let love in.
To stay present in the moment and respond to Rover,not go into the fear of losing him because of past experiences of loss and grief and the crippling sense of guilt,
of failures I think I have had in my life and in my responsibility as guardian for animals, for my daughter, my clients, things I am still figuring out, how disorganized I sometimes feel, how much I sometimes wonder if I could have done things differently, or if I am not doing enough.
Where the weight of responsibility feels heavy and I can’t always see the magic I have created in my life, in the lives of those who I have touched with my medicine and the impact of my own journey.
Each one of us is human, ever resilient and brave and in the contrast so fragile and easily hurt.
In the same breadth we can have some really amazing moments in our journey that sometimes we can’t see because we are so consumed with the mirror of our flaws.
“What if everywhere we make ourselves wrong, is actually our strangeness?”
It is so easy to slip back into old patterns of blame, shame, regret and guilt and forget our innate capacity to shift ourselves back into alignment.Sometimes it takes me speaking to another, sharing my story, bringing people into a field of horses or meeting the lions and elephants in the wild, to see the awe and wonder of the sentients and the space they hold for my clients out there before I get the potency of my space holding
-to acknowledge that not only am I building something but I am doing it.
Looking back, I have always made something out of nothing and yet I forget when life throws me a big curve ball to remind me who I am.
Yes there are moments of imperfection, of mistakes, of fear where I wonder if I can keep this up, or if I made the right choice, or if I invested wisely or if I am doing enough or if I can ride the waves of uncertainty when things seem impossible.
But beyond that, here I am. I cried, the really ugly cry on and off all day Sunday as I cooked up rice, pumpkin, chicken and vegetables. I cried while I gave Rover tissue salts and homeopathic mixtures every 15 minutes for 3 hours –
and it wasn’t sadness I cried out, it was tears of overwhelming love.
I felt this little dog, connect with the river inside of me and break down the dam walls, the barriers I had erected to protect my heart from cracking wide open. I could feel those heart walls dissolve for myself and for all those that have come before him to remind me to let love in, uncapped and free to wander in the depth of my souls knowing.
Another real, raw truth….
I remember the days I spent in the company of horses, who held the space for me to recover from the depths of despair and doubt that I could ever feel whole and fulfilled and alive again.
When I thought the only way out of my misery and health crisis was to kill myself , the horses, my cats, saved me from myself over and over again.
I have spent the last 16 years, since those days I spent un raveling, un becoming and returning to trust in a mental hospital, making every moment matter.
If I had not seen the gift of my depression and anxiety, the many health issues including two inoperable brain tumors as the portal to my life’s purpose through my own healing and growth I wonder who would I have become?
I have seen and witnessed things that were terrible, heartbreaking and tragic – I still do and I know there is no way to ignore the calling to continue supporting animals and people to transform trauma into trust and truth telling no matter how hard it gets at times.
I have had dogs, cats, horses, birds, orphan rhinos and an elephant die in my arms, many, many times.I remember like yesterday the time I was riding home from school and came across a beautiful chameleon his body stuck to the tar and still alive. I sobbed my heart out as I crushed his little head with a stone to end his suffering and I recall the regret and guilt I felt at killing something so precious and helpless. I could not have been more the 10 or 11 at the time and even then I made myself wrong for not finding another way, a better outcome, knowing full well that animals are not attached to their physical bodies the way we are. It was not god enough, because they feel pain, they suffer and I have witnessed so much mistreatment. Rover came to me to to remind me to not let fear of inadequacy and doubt stop me, he is no victim, he is brave and so open to trust again and
so I am always stronger than that, to use fear as my fuel and to tap into my braving, to have the courage to be able to create space for a better world where all life is treated with regard and compassion, for people to experience the power and resilience of animal medicine, the liberty and freedom of the horses or lions or rescue dogs and cats and to heal them through the Trust process and animal communications, the damage we have caused as the human collective from our relationship with them.
For many years it was not about people at all, but the animals, I was closed off to people, relationships due to my own experience of a narcissistic father and early childhood trauma including the horror of witnessing my father shoot a beautiful buck when I was 8 years old – that death and loss of life devastated me for months – I refused to speak or eat meat and I shut down my intuitive capacity to connect heart to heart or speak to animals for many years.
I built a way, to keep me from feeling that depth of pain and grief, I didn’t have relationships and the bullying and unkindness from my peers at school made me feel more weird and misunderstood to the point where at 16 I took a caring knife with a big yellow handle to my wrists. My mother stopped me and pretended it never happened. I ran to the horses, to my dogs and cats, to sit in my favorite baobab tree and I would write to escape.I always preferred the company of animals to people – they have always been my connection to my own heart . Never judging, always present and patient, always holding a space for healing where I could feel a purity of openness I did not let myself feel anywhere else.
But here is the truth…
It was the pain but also the overwhelming feeling of how –
how do I trust,
how do I be with love without it destroying me.
And then years went by, I grew up, grew multi million dollar business,
got married, accumulated assets, built a legacy
until I burnt out, lost my creative spark –
watched everything I had built get taken away,
I looked death and the destroyer energy of Kali in the face
to heal and grow and reconnect to what makes me feel fulfilled, aligned and on purpose.
I found myself committing to help animals heal by caring about people and their wounds,
by teaching there to return to trust and be their own medicine
to rewire their fried nervous systems, restore their guts, dance in the shadows, do the work.
And clients came when I thought my work was too heavy, too woo, too hard, too painful –
people with the same vulnerability, desire for a better world, who are ready to use the power of their personal story to inspire others to rise up and share their gifts with the world.
Special people who are sensitive, empathetic, creative and intuitive,
who have a deep sense of connection to nature and the animals find the spaces I create.
They too know the power of support, the strength of belonging to a loving tribe that sees them in the strength of their personal medicine.
I will tell you something, it was courageous to step beyond the shadows of my own imagined inadequacies,
to be open,
to acknowledge that I had gifts to share with the world, or that I could support others to do the same.
and it was the deep caring that had me take on burdens of others,
it makes me a very excellent space holder to care that deeply
but the burdens I held were burning me out.
I was reminded with Rover as I held his shivering body – that we hold space,
we create courage,
not by taking on,
but by being vunlerable in our own purity of nature
as a way to inspire
and then allow others their own journey’s.
nothing to prove
nothing to hide
just total allowance for
to go at their own pace
and for us to do the same for ourselves.
As healers, as teachers, as space holders ourselves,
we have to look at where we don’t create strong boundaries,
where we feel the hurt of the world which causes us to doubt ourselves
or burden ourselves and we really don’t do any work that is not our work.
Nor is hiding ourselves because of our own fear of our light and
greatness because that is what we are hiding from.
My own journey feels incredibly challenging at times
sometimes my sensitive nature,
makes it that I feel so deeply, I can hardly bare it
but I always do and it all grows me into being better
serving more generously
and in so doing enabling my own soul evolution.
I will think about my clients all the time,
worry about them
and then take in “am I doing enough to support them?”
I am much better than I use to be but it still lingers.
Rover reminded me last night of this tendency I have to wander off,
of being the dark horse
the black sheep
the weirding magical one
and also of not letting my fear to trust in love, get in the way of my own service,
to tear down the walls of my own ego
to be more pure and anchored in how I show up – not just for everything I hold for myself.
So here is an invitation to really look at what you are doing,
what you are holding and
does it serve the magnitude of your purpose and service
or does it serve your ego?
or the agendas of other people?
There is an invitation here, that Rover in the short 4 days he has been with me to look
at where we need to be honest with ourselves
of where we hold untruths about ourselves as excuses to not dive deeper
into the space of love, of trust
trust in how we are of service,
trust in how we receive the gift and presence of others
and to trust in God, the Universe and the Divine power there.
So if this is resonating for you, here is the exercise…
What fear is creating barriers to love for you?
What fear or ego is making you deny your own gifts and not show up in fear of not being enough?
Where do you disempower your clients by holding them in a place of worry or fear, or taking on too much in your responsibility to hold them?
Where are you putting up guards that only serve to comfort your fear what happens if you opened?
What are you holding tight to that you know is ready to transform and what is that?
Where do you need to feel the blessing of pure love in your life and what does it look like to let it in?
These are the questions I will let you settle with,
feel into the truth of
What comes up for you?
what is triggered?
what new pathways are being opened up
to support you on your heroines journey
so that you answer the call with love
and an open heart?
It isn’t always comfortable,
I have had to look at my own mistakes and messiness,
face my own insecurities
and it is not always a fun thing to do.
I have had to preservere,
to find strength in what felt like complete devastation
and also to witness things I didn’t think I could ever overcome.
I have learnt to be ok with loss,
to feel in order to heal
I have to push myself beyond my comfort zones over and over again
to continue to build and create this big dream of mine
to make a difference in the lives of animals and people.
I continue to lean into asking for help when I am knee deep in
the shit storm of my own making,
to be humble,
to always keep growing myself up
to rise up.
To let myself cry tears of anger, sadness and joy
and let the river flow and take me back into alignment, resonance with who I am
and why I do what I do.
The animals are a driving force for me in many ways,
the purpose I feel with them when I sit in a field of horses,
or a dog in a shelter who has endured years of animal testing in a lab,
or a feral cat colony
or with a pride of lions rescued from years of abuse in circuses
but also in the same breathe witnessing what they do for others.
I spoke about the power of the pride and the lessons I have learnt about t
he value of team work the lions shared with me here.
When we connect with the bubbling well of our heart
and let it do its thing,
we connect the inspiration of divine mother
with the power of divine father.
Inspiration and creation merge with surrender and daily action.
Give into the bubbling,
surrender to the swelling,
show up every day with tiny daily actions.
For when you express what is in your heart,
or rather let what is in your heart express itself through you,
you effortlessly dive into the current of a life in alignment.
And when you live a life in alignment, with your heart wide open to
let the love in and flow out
your unique presence alone contributes to the healing of the planet.
And when you do draw your last breath,
you will do so knowing that your being here has left the planet a little more harmonious
beautiful and vibrant than it was before.
I belong here….in my heart space
to love whatever arises along side you.
I worked and have been through things that were not always easy to get here.
I continue to practice every day being better through the medicine of
Perseverance, patience, presence, persistence,endurance….
Not everyone is called to more.
More in your life. More than getting up, going to work, and coming home
to crash in front of the TV. More healing. More wisdom. More confidence.
More of making a contribution in this world.
But you are.
In fact, I bet there’s a little voice –
a little light –
inside of you right now that’s saying YES.
I invite you to trust that voice.
I did – and that set me on a journey that I wake up every day feeling
deeply grateful for.
You can access that too.
You are not alone.
If you feel called to go deeper with this work or you would like to
experience the medicine of horses or the lions, just ask.
You know where I am.
I so appreciate you
PS: If you are curious about the Trust process and how you can learn this simple, yet powerful transformational process to help your animals and yourself deepen into trust and right relationship, I will be gifting
“Being herd – walking with horses back to your heart” 1 day workshop
in Johannesburg at the end of the month.
Just hit reply and I will send you all the information if you feel called
to this deep and sacred space with horse medicine.
If you are a volunteer at a shelter or wildlife sanctuary, please ask
how you can attend on a scholarship or host a workshop for your staff and volunteers at your space. I want as many people as possible to use the Trust process with confidence and exponentialise healing,
get the animals adoption ready and expand your own experience.