How to mother yourself this Mother’s day
Firstly I want to wish you a happy “inner mothering” day to you and thank you for doing the brave sometimes uncomfortable and painful work of growing your own wounded child parts from a loving maternal energy that is within you.
This time of year when the world at large in its unconscious state celebrates the patriarchal view of the “Good Mother” often brings up old hurts around our Mother’s or the terror of in my case of I am harming my own daughter through my unorthodox and often messy ways of growing her up.
Speaking publicly about sensitive topics like the Mother wound also brings up some tension in my own world, as I know my Mother listens to a lot of what I speak to and there is this nagging voice within me that always has me ask if sharing my work from a space of “what love does”. still has me doubt how my mother feels about me and how she works within her own shadows of how she mothered me and my three sisters – the only way she knew how. I love her for that and have a wonderful relationship with my Mother and…. we are always navigating the stormy waters of many stories within our family constellation that brings up pain and hurt and great healing in it’s own beautiful way wether we like it or not.
It is often challenging to admit to ourselves where we felt unloved in our relationship with our mother.
In doing so much work on my own mother wounds and assisting thousands of women over the years to heal their own childhood traumas I have noticed that we all carry the longing to be whole, complete and enough not just for ourselves but to trust we are enough for our mothers.
You may recall seeing how burdened and overwhelmed your mother was and you may have thought that you were the source of her pain. perhaps like so many of my clients you parented your Mother and no matter what you did r became to make her happy and whole you still feel you are not enough to be truly loved by your mother.
This “daughter guilt” can keep us stuck. Recognizing the innocence and legitimacy of our childhood needs is a way of releasing shame and baptizing ourselves into the truth of our goodness. Once we first grieve for ourselves, we can then grieve for our mothers and for women as a whole.
Grief replenishes and strengthens us.
As women we can heal and give ourselves what our mothers could not give us. We can become our own source. The collective female “pain body” is healed one woman at a time. And as the female pain body heals so does the collective human pain body. Our own healing is not only a gift to ourselves, but to the world.
The mother wound is a great opportunity and something we identify, bring into the light and integrate from the space of the loving Mother you are to your child parts within the Mindfulness Change Core Process. It is an intensive, unravelling and return to your True Nature that is life transforming in every way you show up. Book a clarity discovery call now if you want to see how this will change and impact your life.
As we allow ourselves to contact what feels like an ancient, inexhaustible hunger for an inexhaustible mother–we birth ourselves into our true identity–what I call “the womb of light,” an inexhaustible, overflowing fountain of love and abundance that is not dependent on circumstances or conditions. We then can live in service to that which we truly are–love itself.
Against the backdrop of the myth of mother’s day with it’s sugary sweetness, adult children struggle with the unacknowledged dark legacy that was their lived reality of their mothers. That stark contrast can be a place of lingering self-doubt, shame and guilt.
I was recently speaking with a client who was struggling with the upcoming mother’s day. She recalled a powerful moment when she said “something permanently broke” between she and her mother. In a conversation between the two, her mother was unconsciously trying to get her to play her long-time role of emotional caretaker, expecting her daughter to suppress her true feelings out of obligation. When the daughter did not obey, opting instead to be kindly straightforward and honest with her, the mother simply replied “You’re dead to me then.” This statement revealed something in the light of day that had never before emerged in it’s entirety: the transactional nature of the relationship. For mothers who have been deprived emotionally, their daughters often represent emotional nourishment that they do not get any other way. Refusing to be nourishment for our mothers is key to our own healing as women. Otherwise we remain prisoners of our mother’s own wounding.
Acknowledging our mother’s shadow liberates us to truly see our own light.
Mothers deprived of their own source of emotional nourishment will see their daughters boundaries as an attack and typically respond with a chilling coldness, devoid of anything we would call “mother.”
For daughters who have experienced this level of “irrevocable brokenness” with their mothers, Mother’s Day needs to be re-constituted from the ashes of the myth. It must be re-claimed in a new way that affirms the mother within oneself. One cannot go back to the sugary sweet, surface sentiments of mother’s day after hearing unknd words words come out of your mother’s mouth. It is as though, in that moment, one is forced to really take in that void where mother should be, and take steps to fill it within yourself.
For myself, hearing my clients speak to the pain of unhealthy child/mother dynamics and the whole messiness of family constellations breaks me wide open to realize the work is ever constant and changing.
As we face that glaring “lack of mothering” in our own mothers, we can no longer live in the fantasy world of “my mother loves me, I just have to be who she wants me to be in order to get her approval.”
By facing that gaping void of “mother” we open to an even larger and more powerful form of mothering, the Mother archetype within ourselves. This energy can then become a living reality that supports us. In doing so, we become newly capable of taking in mothering from other women, from the earth and from life itself.
From the fertile ashes of the “mother myth” a larger matrix of mothering can take shape, a visceral nurturing, profound holding that pervades our entire lives.
It takes work to grieve the myth of mother and the ways that we’ve suffered from the mother wound. Once the wound is opened, it is incredibly painful and yet there is also deep relief. Relief that what we may have sensed deep within us is revealed to be true, the shadow has been taken into the light. And what we see in that light, however painful, is empowering because we can then build upon that firm ground of reality, not the illusions and projections that we’ve inherited through the generations.
“Can’t you just forget it?” I was asked this several times by some in my family about what happened with my mother. I was amazed to learn that this is how many people move on. And this is what my mother expected me to do, to brush it under the rug, never speak of it again and go back to being her emotional servant. This is what women (and men) have done for generations upon generations: supress and move on. “At mother’s day, forget the shadow, be a good girl and suppress your pain for Mommy.” This seems to be the general expectation of our culture.
I think back on certain times of my own life when I lovingly drew pictures and made my own cards for Mother’s day and wrote poems from a space of pure, innocent love and other times when I was so angry and hurt I opted out of sending Mother’s day cards or making great ceremony in honor of my Mother or the Mother of my then partners who in truth were downright mean narcissistic mothers who had wounded their son’s beyond belief and then carried on life and family gatherings as f it never happened.
I realized through the lens of victim and observer of many Mommy dearest dynamics, that loving myself involved not enduring abuse from anyone, not even my own mother or father.
It was my turn to do the expected thing in my mother line and I couldn’t do it: absorb and carry my mother’s pain as my own. That part of me that could not buy the card, that could not buy the lie, is my true mother, my inner mother. And I celebrate this part of me every mother’s day.
If you are a woman who is consciously mothering yourself, celebrate and affirm how your own inner mothering will liberate your children from the pain of the mother wound. You are stopping the cycle, taking responsiblity, metabolizing your own pain and clearing the way for future generations. This takes incredible courage and fortitude. Celebrate your commitment to this journey!
It’s important to remember this:
Yes, your mother gave you life AND you have a right to your feelings about the dynamics of the relationship. (Especially for those women who have suffered deeply from trauma, abuse or neglect as children.)
The point is to honor that both are true. She gave birth to you AND your feelings are valid. You shouldn’t have to suppress your truth in order to be considered a good daughter.
It’s my belief that part of stepping into our full divine feminine power is to step into the role of the Inner Mother for ourselves. This doesn’t mean we don’t acknowledge our mothers, it’s just means that we take over the PRIMARY responsibility for loving and affirming ourselves and most importantly, filling the gaps of what our mothers couldn’t give us. It’s such an empowering process. It helps lessen attachment to any toxic patterns with your mother and helps to establish a strong, healthy attachment within yourself, in which YOU become your own powerful source of unlimited love and nurturing.
My question to you is: How can you mother yourself this mother’s day?
How can you embody an unconditionally loving mother to your inner child?
Here are some tips:
1. Journal about your truth: One of the things you can do is to write in your journal your authentic feelings towards your mother, to validate your own feelings and prevent any shame from getting a foothold. Give yourself permission to really be honest with yourself, to get your true feelings off your chest and affirm your courage to be real. This can help you get those challenging feelings off your chest so that you can feel lighter and freer. Imagine holding your inner child and reassure her that YOU as her Big Self will always be there to support and nurture her.
2. Find Evidence of Your Value: A powerful element of the inner mother is the quality of being a cheerleader, celebrating your achievements, wins, and all the progress in your life, even the smallest thing!
Exercise: Outer worth – Feeling your outer worth for your skills, talents, etc.
Sit down with a blank sheet of paper and write an exhaustive list of all the talents, experience, wisdom, and qualities you have. List every skill you have, every degree or certification, every thing you can think of; big and small. When you think you are done, challenge yourself to think of 5 more things. Pull out this list often. Add more things to it as you gain more skills and develop more qualities in yourself. Pull it out when you feel down and need reminding of the extraordinary person you are. Ideally, look at it every day, especially if you are trying to make a big shift in your life. This is a powerful mirror for your value and worth.
Exercise: Inner worth – Feeling your worth for simply Being.
Imagine holding yourself as a little baby on your chest. Feel yourself as the strong, loving mother, feeling how capable you are of holding and supporting this child. Then switch, feel yourself as the little baby, being soothed, held and loved exactly as you are, simply because you are. Allow your body to relax and be held. Take in that unconditional love and support into your cells. Awaken feeling refreshed, supported and energized, knowing you can always return to this place of inner holding and acceptance.
Above all celebrate the inner Mother that sees you, loves you and honors you just as you are.
If you feel called to go deeper into your own healing, to a space of truly belonging to yourself
where you create your own safety so that you can grow your own child parts and your own children born of you or through you in adopting another human or animal companion – you know how to reach me.
I invite you to explore my offerings over in my store
especially The Out of the Blues – 90 day self study to reset your nervous system and rewrite your story, or the Mindfulness Change 5 hour intensive Private ( Email me for all the details)
or the Trust Process.
I see you
I honor you
and I love you