It’s a funny thing we do in this crazy weird fear of failure

……and in the space of wanting, more than anything to come out of our own exile and separation, be held, to truly belong so that we can remember who we are. So in my enquiry today I want to ask you, who holds space for you so that you can stay connected to your wants, your needs and desires?

How much we push away the invitation to receive the love and support of another who wants to truly hold space for us.

I came across this poem by Kabir:

“We sense that there is some sort of spirit that loves birds and animals and the ants–perhaps the same one who gave a radiance to you in your mother’s womb. “

Is it logical you would be walking around entirely orphaned now?

The truth is that you turned away from yourself, and decided to go into the dark alone. 

Now you are tangled up in others, and have forgotten what you once knew, and that’s why everything you do has some weird failure in it.

I love that phrase: “weird failure.”

Having had both my share of failures (don’t get me started on my romantic relationship history) and successes (38 employees as family in a multi million dollar furniture manufacturing business and retail outlets across the country, being willing to fall apart when I lost everything I had built, getting completely out of a narcissistic marriage after years of verbal abuse and the financial stress of holding space for everyone else in my company, overcoming depression/anxiety to speak to thousands at events online and in person, not to mention in my private practise the many lives changed forever – on being sensitive, and how to return to trust after trauma around the world), I have been a student of what works and what doesn’t, and the practice, the training in the states of a hot mess continue.

I have a confession to make……Some of you in my inner circle know this already – I’m not very good at letting people hold space for me.

It’s true. I’ve built my work around what it means to sit in the waiting room with others and hold space for them to breathe life not their weary bones, because I understand the value of receiving support in those dark nights of the soul, and yet… I often bump up against resistance around asking – allowing people to hold space for me. I also know that we teach what we most need to learn and for me that is trusting, in myself, in my body and in others so I can trust in a loving Universe, over and over again.

It’s partly because I’ve spent much of my adult life in the roles of teacher, parent, facilitator, leader, manager, coach, advocate, etc., and so I have this internal script around needing to be the strong and supportive one in every relationship. And it’s partly because my life experiences have left me with a somewhat avoidant (and sometimes disorganized) attachment style, and so when it comes to the intimate situations where I need to trust someone to hold space for me, I can get triggered into a “this person might hurt me or ask too much of me, so I’d better pull back and protect my heart before that becomes a real event” stance.

Find out how your unresolved childhood trauma may be making you sick or have you choosing bad relationships or stopping your money flows here :

I’ve been working on those things in my intimate relationships (especially in the ending of a 14 year cycle of narcissistic relationship which second time chasing this due to my “alcoholic father issues” continues to reveal so many well-ingrained patterns that had become survival skills and I am ending the cycle of abuse now. Yes my daughter does not have to continue the cycle of ambivalence and hyper vigilance in her relationships because I decided to name it and change it). It takes a lot of time and effort to adjust those old stories, and to heal the associated wounds, so I don’t expect it to change overnight.

Since I entered into this rite of passage and walkabout unknown terrain in America, I have had so many incredible soul sister invite me into receiving on a whole new level, a beautiful experience of having space held for me, rather than be the one who always holds space for others and it is teaching me so much about what’s truly possible and what I need more of in my life. {erhaps you can relate to some of what i am deepening into in returning to trust by lowering the heart walls and breathing in the love available to you if you just give yourself permission to say thank you, I am open to receiving this……

I am grateful that I set myself up to be able to take 4 months away from my daughter to be able to fully step away from my commitments, my family, the mundane daily distractions including the frustration of load shedding ( random power cuts that really piss me off and slow down my ability to be productive), and the many distractions that the internet provides, along with the hyper vigilant state that has become an unhealthy norm of living in a country where your life is at threat moment by moment.

In the past, in an effort to complete a big project, work on completing my book or just give myself time to rest, I have stayed a few extra days in a hotel room after a business trip, or stayed at a local retreat centre to get big projects done. All of those are solo efforts were always ended short or were so not what I had envisioned them as I collapsed into a heap and slept off the hot mess, no even realising how tightly I was pushing through the responsibilities and ignoring my body’s urgency to take deep rest.

This time, though, for reasons I can’t begin to put into words – has a felt sense that I needed something a little different. While I needed privacy and quiet “me” time, I also wanted the space of belonging – to something greater than my own needs which I knew deep down, included companionship and nurturing to pull me out of my own enforced exile, like a warm matriarchal hug. 

My friend Leslie, who had spent time with me when her life was shifting radically in her personal life a few years ago, had offered me all of that and more – of what I had not even imagined possible, including ever putting my feet in the red, hot belly of Goddess Pele on Big island Hawai’i and letting her have at me.

I couldn’t have been more aligned when I said yes months ago, not knowing how the money or time would show up for me to walk this way with Leslie and my human pod swimming and healing with the humpback whales and spinner dolphins ever present in the warm kiss of Mama Pacifica, but it did.

I’m pretty sure that what I allowed myself to receive and the downloads I am still receiving from Pele and the sentients, of what it is becoming in my service to hold sacred space to witness others, is powerful, super natural and some of the most ancient wisdom I have ever received, on what it means to live vulnerable , return to the heart – in the letting go and in receiving the light of pure allowance of others to hold space for me.

I have cried tears of joy and shared primal screams of agony, ecstasy and raw pain – partly because the space and the women who held me in their love, have all gone through their own gut wrenching loss, pain and then, like the Phoenix rising from the ashes wear their battle scars with pride and humility.

There is more to say here and too many to name in this moment but trust me when I say, in finding ourselves in each other, as women deeply rooted in truth – this is what I always believed is possible –

In the red, hot holy womb space of women coming together, out of lifetimes of exile and persecution, a resilient trust that we can change the world together, if we just choose the way of love and take a fierce stand for what love asks of us and then take aligned action, in our belonging and sacredness.

There is such divine space to acknowledge each woman who has broken my heart wide open on this journey, in honoring of Woman’s day being every day I walk beside them, heart to heart, brow to brow, tear stained cheek to cheek.

If you asked those soul sisters, those love warrior women who held space for me, they would probably say they “didn’t do anything special”, but that’s not how it felt for me. They were always in total allowance and non judgement of how I showed up, they were attentive to my needs (to name but a few special light warriors – my beloved sister Debbie, her dogs Cooper, Beebe and Rebel who always are happy to be with me even if I talk too much for a home that is most times quiet and still.For her horses, Kobie, Cameron and Rebel for opening their hearts and for each bringing me in their own way fierce love and strong medicine to honour my boundaries and stay present to what is.

Leslie bringing me in to receive from her sacred team of Divine Grace, in our primal dance with the wild pigs and our salty sweat stained bodies, writhing as one with Pele and Gaia and the oceans of the Pacific.

Kyra for sharing with me words of wisdom on anger, grief and the art of making peace and for gifting me a very special Andaran crystal, that I wear close to my heart, ever since.

To Trish for bringing me sweet relief with her channelled messages from the Humpbacks and Susie for giving me sanctuary and a soft place to rest my head I could call home, checking in on me, mid-afternoon when my energy was flagging, with hot tea and laughter and her beloved feline Chauncey who kept me company as I star gazed and made me laugh at myself.

To Fabi and her herd for lending me their strength through their own traumas to know this too is temporary and for soft muzzles to bury my thoughts in as part of the herd, the tao of equus honoured as we talked and groomed, laughed, loved and breathed in new holding spaces.

For the Hawai’in family who I met, because the proteas they were arranging one late night opened a conversation about life and the mysteries of the world, that made me weep at their kindness, as they invited me into their circle of five wise Hawai’in men. In sipping Cava at the back of their store I listened to the stories of their ancestors honoured in the passing down of wisdom, respect for the Earth and for the feminine that love – Mahalo is the only way.

So many women and men continue to revive my trust in others – that men in right relationship with themselves can be strong and soft and deeply connected to the earth and that women can hold each other and celebrate their unique gifts as if each thread weaves the tapestry of us all into the web that has no weaver. In the ways of the love warriors who listen to me, when I needed to wrestle to release what is no more and encourage me to keep going towards the light of truth.To those of you who have shared your own stories of what integrity, loving what is, belonging in authentic selfism and oneness and what holding space means for each of you, where you are right now dreaming into being, I thank you, I honor you and I appreciate that I walk beside you on this journey called being human.

If you did not realise, I noticed that long before I met you along my journey, I could sense that each of you, in their own special way had put intention and love into preparing and holding sacred space for me.

I know you prayed over spaces, blessed and smudged, adorned and origami’d, created altars of welcoming and medicine as coffee readied, so that the space itself embraced and readied to support me while I slept and dreamed and returned to trust.

I share some of my journey with you on what it means to have space held for you, in the hope and delight that you too, will open your hearts and let love in. To say yes, please and thank you as I have written and spoken and shared so many times in my free offering

“Going back to the basic, basics of 5 small yet mighty words”and continue to walk this journey as sacred allies on my own spiral path. If you have not already, I invite you to say yes and take this offering and apply it in every action step you take from this moment onwards.

What I know to be true in the containers provided for me as I come to the end of this walk about is that, in trusting myself to allow others to have my back while I rested, in trusting them to hold space for me, I trusted in the beauty of life again and I have been gifted a renewed and beautiful opportunity to continue to re-write the old scripts about my need to be self-sufficient and not get too close to people. 

As I move forward, I’ve been reflecting on what is at play, in some magical expression of Divine love and connection that in order for me to truly allow space to be held for me (and what will allow me to find greater intimacy in future relationships), we all need to be open to trust it is safe to receive love and then:

  • Trust that when you have no expectation of what that needs to look like, those aligned with you can give you the space and support to hold and witness your light and your dark
  • You need to just someone, decide, commit and then do the inner work to dance with the shadows, laugh at yourself and then release old wounds so that you can forgive yourself and others. To let go of anything and anyone who is no longer aligned with your heart space or unwilling to celebrating all of you.
  • You need to grow your child parts up and when you cannot, find the safe, compassionate adult in others who can help and support you through your fears. When you can be sufficiently mature and self-aware, and not needy or co-dependent then you don’t have to spend your time worrying about whether you are hurting others feelings or not reciprocating enough.
  • You need to know what you need and be honest in articulating what that looks like so others can give you what you need in every moment.
  • You need to give yourself permission to trust yourself to trust in life itself – to open your heart wide open and let love in.
  • You need to appreciate what comes to you when you ask, to never forget who helped you along the way and to always be gracious in receiving the 5 cornerstones of right relationship – honor, love, generosity, intimacy and kindness.

Throughout my life I have mostly been the one who holds deep space for others and I know now that this in itself has been where I have felt the safest and in control of outcomes and because it makes me feel good to be of service. Although I often have space held for me in the shallow end of things, I don’t often find myself held in the deep water like this and now, I know I can trust myself more in the space of being held and nurtured, I am calling in more of that gifting and receiving because I can and so can you.

I can’t imagine a better way to move forward on this journey of using my body as a chemistry set, as Dr Sean Stevenson so aptly named it, to deepen into the ancient wells of trust, love and holding spaces! I hope you will meet me there and tell your story with a whole heart, because we are waiting for you to stand in your truth and rise up in love for your most sacred spaces as the space between the notes that hold you

Thank you

Thank you

Thank you

I love you